Artfull-ness and vulnerability

Beginning of an installation/performance/interactive art project "1 in a 100 million-gazillion"

And so I begin somewhere over and over again...how many beginnings there are.  Both of these (Excuse my not so great pictures, my camera is broken!) pieces are beginning to become something, a part of the whole unmet and unseen picture...

These last months have been all about creating my classes and workshops and my energy and creative process has been fully devoted to their successful development.  I am truly proud to say that they are very successful!

Starting last week I noticed that I no longer felt anxious and I also feel enough emotional space and energy to approach my own personal art, and so I begin again.  I know it may be cliche sounding at this point but I am continually shocked by the magnitude of fear and doubt that I am met with when I begin my work.  I really hear myself saying "You really are not an artist"  "What is this shit you are making" "You don't even know what your making because it's nothing and total nonsense to be sitting here hitting clay for hours when you could be doing something else helpful"....there is more where that comes from...after two days of long studio hours and no "good" quantifiable results I did not want to go back yesterday.  So I didn't, instead I played hookie with a friend and was very aware of my resistance.  I, probably like you, don't want to look stupid and make unlikable work and so I naturally don't want to face those chances and by being away from the studio and not creating I am much safer and less whole.  The costs end up being high either way...risk the pain of being inauthentic and denying my creative impulses or risk not being understood, unliked, etc. 

I am going to embrace vulnerability like a life vest and jump in.  Begin again and again and again.....and so I expose to you my guts and somehow this helps me.  Somehow telling on myself feels like medicine.  Somehow I will go to the studio tomorrow and I will begin again.

One last side note.  I love my job as a teacher and facilitator of creativity.  I LOVE IT  and I LOVE ALL OF MY STUDENTS.  I LOVE IT SO BAD!!!!!!!  and I LOVE YOU SO BAD!!!!  Thank you and good night.

Outsider

This pretty much sums it up for me-I would add "and shares them with you"

I have been thinking lately about myself as an individual artist and my art as a career lately. I have also been thinking of popular culture and my un-popular childhood. It seems as though my definition of an Artist is not in line with the actual definition:

art·ist

–noun

1.

a person who produces works in any of the arts that are primarily subject to aesthetic criteria.

2.

a person who practices one of the fine arts, esp. a painter or sculptor.

3.

a person whose trade or profession requires a knowledge of design, drawing, painting, etc.: a commercial artist.

4.

a person who works in one of the performing arts, as an actor, musician, or singer; a public performer: a mime artist; an artist of the dance.

5.

a person whose work exhibits exceptional skill.

6.

a person who is expert at trickery or deceit: He's an artist with cards.

My personal definition includes parts of the 'Artist' especially in creative expression but my definition is closer to the common definition of Beginner, Outsider, Thinker and Innovator. It seems like an oxymoron to be considered an "outsider" and "popular". Which makes the notion of being a high selling artist in ones lifetime almost obsolete. It would appear that innovative and new work is harder to sell because naturally we are less likely to trust what we don't already know as good. Its not the masses who try something new, its the few outsiders, and for successful commerce you wouldn't focus on the few! I suppose we can say Lady Gaga is an artist according to our dictionary's definition. But I would like to say that Lady Gaga is a successful re-packaged blond doll, created by and for our current popular culture. As an individual she is a willing pawn, sacrificing herself for fame.
The thing is that I am happiest when I make new things, learn new things, and think about these things......I think I may just be an outsider!

think·er

–noun

1.

a person who thinks, as in a specified way or manner: a slow thinker.

2. a person who has a well-developed faculty for thinking, as a philosopher, theorist, or scholar: the great thinkers.

out·sid·er

–noun

1.

a person not belonging to a particular group, set, party, etc.: Society often regards the artist as an outsider.

2.

a person unconnected or unacquainted with the matter in question: Not being a parent, I was regarded as an outsider.

3.

a racehorse, sports team, or other competitor not considered likely to win or succeed.

4. a person or thing not within an enclosure, boundary, etc.

in·no·vate

–verb (used without object)

1.

to introduce something new; make changes in anything established.

–verb (used with object)

2.

to introduce (something new) for or as if for the first time: to innovate a computer operating system.

3. Archaic . to alter.

be·gin·ner

–noun

1.

a person or thing that begins.

2.

a person who has begun a course of instruction or is learning the fundamentals: swimming for beginners.

3.

a person who is inexperienced; novice.