Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Artfull-ness and vulnerability

Beginning of an installation/performance/interactive art project "1 in a 100 million-gazillion"
And so I begin somewhere over and over again...how many beginnings there are.  Both of these (Excuse my not so great pictures, my camera is broken!) pieces are beginning to become something, a part of the whole unmet and unseen picture...

These last months have been all about creating my classes and workshops and my energy and creative process has been fully devoted to their successful development.  I am truly proud to say that they are very successful!

Starting last week I noticed that I no longer felt anxious and I also feel enough emotional space and energy to approach my own personal art, and so I begin again.  I know it may be cliche sounding at this point but I am continually shocked by the magnitude of fear and doubt that I am met with when I begin my work.  I really hear myself saying "You really are not an artist"  "What is this shit you are making" "You don't even know what your making because it's nothing and total nonsense to be sitting here hitting clay for hours when you could be doing something else helpful"....there is more where that comes from...after two days of long studio hours and no "good" quantifiable results I did not want to go back yesterday.  So I didn't, instead I played hookie with a friend and was very aware of my resistance.  I, probably like you, don't want to look stupid and make unlikable work and so I naturally don't want to face those chances and by being away from the studio and not creating I am much safer and less whole.  The costs end up being high either way...risk the pain of being inauthentic and denying my creative impulses or risk not being understood, unliked, etc. 

I am going to embrace vulnerability like a life vest and jump in.  Begin again and again and again.....and so I expose to you my guts and somehow this helps me.  Somehow telling on myself feels like medicine.  Somehow I will go to the studio tomorrow and I will begin again.

One last side note.  I love my job as a teacher and facilitator of creativity.  I LOVE IT  and I LOVE ALL OF MY STUDENTS.  I LOVE IT SO BAD!!!!!!!  and I LOVE YOU SO BAD!!!!  Thank you and good night.

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