Wednesday, July 04, 2012

Still Life; Under the apple tree.

Still Life; Under the apple tree in the shadows.
36" x 48"
Mixed Medium on Paper

I did this painting/drawing yesterday, you know how I felt? 
I felt terrified.  I realize that every time I begin something artistic, it feels like jumping in to the deep end of a dark pool without swimming skills.  I resist and I am scared, every time!!! (Especially when there are longer periods between each dive.)  In the moments of creating I have seconds of joy, bliss, peace and other moments full of faithlessness, fear, self-loathing, and mostly the darkness of the unknown.  Yes, perhaps it's like I jumped in to the very deep dark water with a small flashlight on my head that as I spin downward, uncertain I will come up, my headlight flashes for moments and I see something, but it is still unknown.  When I do find my way back up, I am tired and then I begin the 'assessing' of what I saw or didn't see and how were my swimming skills?  The doubt that I should ever try again, the feeling of not really liking what I pulled up?  Wanting to throw it away as unvaluable and replace it with the more familiar.  
But......I will have patience.  I will honor my curiosity with courage-and fucking jump again.

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