I WANT MORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I was screaming in Jerilyn's office a couple weeks ago-she's my therapist. I was screaming it, so I could play with the feeling of how uncomfortable it is for me to ask for what I want. Or not even ask-just saying what I want makes me squeamish. Just saying it in my head makes me blush and splotch up. You may not know that about me? But you wouldn't because its here that I occasionally am swept away with wry courage and the veil of the computer-the blog is a bit of a confessional and you are the audience behind the wall and curtain. (Of course that gets fuzzy when you write me a comment and I realize your reading this....)
In any case, that's not all I want to talk about. I want to tell you that two weeks ago, I felt like I was on the verge....of what I don't know, a bit of insanity I suppose. To some friends I described it as tremors coursing through my innards....a feeling of screaming insides, fierce yearning for more, more of myself EXPRESSED outside of myself... much more....and at the same time that I want "more" in contrast I want "less"-less stuff, less worry, less responsibility, less busyness, less distraction....so there has been a very intense feeling of inevitable change-shape shifting.
Getting to the point-I felt change-big changes inside me...and I felt big changes outside me....Tuesday the 15th was gigantic!
I decided to contact another more local adult residence program for adults in recovery from substance abuse and dual diagnosis, to discuss the idea of artistic creativity as a tool for self recovery. I was given an appointment that Tues. to speak with the director, which I went there to open a channel for dialogue, which I thought could inform me and help me to propose something for the other adult residence program....30 minutes in to my meeting, I was offered a job!!!!! I have been asked to develop and facilitate a program of creativity as a tool for deepening self awareness and expression for people in recovery. OH MY FUCKING GOD!!!!! ( I don't know if that's the appropriate response, but here in my confessional that's my honest response, along with crying and sort of jumping up and down with excitement, joy and tremendous fear) It felt like god was showering me with golden jackpot winnings. (there is more I want to say about this place, but I am saving for another time...)
That afternoon, I also found out I was selected for a month long artist residency at Baer, Iceland. Which is a residency I have been dreaming of for 5 years...and it is REALLY A DREAM come true. REALLY. I found this residency the first year it opened, by whim..a whim that whispered Iceland in to my conscious, but the deadline had passed when I found it. The next year I was going to be delivering Sunny, then the third year I should tell you that I applied and I was not accepted. I wrote the director asking for pointers on how to improve a future application, as well as telling her how much the residency meant to me. The fourth year, they took a year off for public service, so this year I applied and I was accepted!!!!!!
Alway (always) try again when reaching for the stars.
Needless to say, I am still completely out of my mind. I had insomnia for a week, which I am now treating with some Yogi tea...today I settled down and began working on my "creative program" which I will share with you as I go......
I think what has me most excited is that I am beginning to feel and believe that my dreams do really come true, and that my truest dreams are all about being my truest self....that our work, is really about being ourselves. I have often thought "wouldn't it just be amazing if you didn't have to work, and you could just be supported for being yourself" I think that's just it, the work is being yourself.
(and it helps to let go of a clock or measuring stick-because god does not reign by our systems. Just try-try following your heart)
In any case, that's not all I want to talk about. I want to tell you that two weeks ago, I felt like I was on the verge....of what I don't know, a bit of insanity I suppose. To some friends I described it as tremors coursing through my innards....a feeling of screaming insides, fierce yearning for more, more of myself EXPRESSED outside of myself... much more....and at the same time that I want "more" in contrast I want "less"-less stuff, less worry, less responsibility, less busyness, less distraction....so there has been a very intense feeling of inevitable change-shape shifting.
Getting to the point-I felt change-big changes inside me...and I felt big changes outside me....Tuesday the 15th was gigantic!
I decided to contact another more local adult residence program for adults in recovery from substance abuse and dual diagnosis, to discuss the idea of artistic creativity as a tool for self recovery. I was given an appointment that Tues. to speak with the director, which I went there to open a channel for dialogue, which I thought could inform me and help me to propose something for the other adult residence program....30 minutes in to my meeting, I was offered a job!!!!! I have been asked to develop and facilitate a program of creativity as a tool for deepening self awareness and expression for people in recovery. OH MY FUCKING GOD!!!!! ( I don't know if that's the appropriate response, but here in my confessional that's my honest response, along with crying and sort of jumping up and down with excitement, joy and tremendous fear) It felt like god was showering me with golden jackpot winnings. (there is more I want to say about this place, but I am saving for another time...)
That afternoon, I also found out I was selected for a month long artist residency at Baer, Iceland. Which is a residency I have been dreaming of for 5 years...and it is REALLY A DREAM come true. REALLY. I found this residency the first year it opened, by whim..a whim that whispered Iceland in to my conscious, but the deadline had passed when I found it. The next year I was going to be delivering Sunny, then the third year I should tell you that I applied and I was not accepted. I wrote the director asking for pointers on how to improve a future application, as well as telling her how much the residency meant to me. The fourth year, they took a year off for public service, so this year I applied and I was accepted!!!!!!
Alway (always) try again when reaching for the stars.
Needless to say, I am still completely out of my mind. I had insomnia for a week, which I am now treating with some Yogi tea...today I settled down and began working on my "creative program" which I will share with you as I go......
I think what has me most excited is that I am beginning to feel and believe that my dreams do really come true, and that my truest dreams are all about being my truest self....that our work, is really about being ourselves. I have often thought "wouldn't it just be amazing if you didn't have to work, and you could just be supported for being yourself" I think that's just it, the work is being yourself.
(and it helps to let go of a clock or measuring stick-because god does not reign by our systems. Just try-try following your heart)
1 comment:
I'm so SO happy for you Dawn. This is the greatest inspiration and exactly what I needed to hear and be reminded of right now. I'm totally excited to hear about your plans for the creative program and can't wait to see what you create out at Baer! congrats again!
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