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| Untitled, Red Mono Print, 2013 18" x 24" |
By definition drowning means to die by submersion in water. I feel as if I am drowning right now. I'm not drowning in a pool of water but rather in the pool of my life, full submersion. It is not pleasant. Have any of you experienced drowning? I have. I experienced drowning when I could actually touch the sand with my feet but was too scared to know that. I feel that way now. My life is coming like swells over my head as I gasp for air before the next one. My art practice getting buried under the multiple types of animal shit in my non-winterized studio, under my son's demanding intelligence, under my growing teaching career, under my crumbling house, under my husbands work load....today as I spent 4 precious non-child hours shoveling roots out of my studio so that I may work in the future I wonder....I wonder the relentless question of am I doing the right thing? Am I really an artist or supposed to be an artist? Is my effort of value, to whom? What the fuck am I doing? I feel like I'm drowning.
Maybe tomorrow I can tread water, breath enough to get some perspective. Maybe I'm actually totally safe and can touch the ground and just don't know it. Grounded? Maybe I can enjoy the swells of my life. Maybe I can make art with it.
The last two weeks I rented a print studio to do some mono-printing, sort of as a starting point for the season. I am really-really pleased with the work that came to be. In fact a waterfall of work spewed out, gushed out....poured all over the fucking place and its awesome.
This is one of many.
May I breathe, may I see the grace.
