Wednesday, October 23, 2013

Drowning in life.

Untitled, Red Mono Print, 2013 18" x 24"
By definition drowning means to die by submersion in water.  I feel as if I am drowning right now.  I'm not drowning in a pool of water but rather in the pool of my life, full submersion.  It is not pleasant.  Have any of you experienced drowning?  I have.  I experienced drowning when I could actually touch the sand with my feet but was too scared to know that.  I feel that way now.  My life is coming like swells over my head as I gasp for air before the next one.  My art practice getting buried under the multiple types of animal shit in my non-winterized studio, under my son's demanding intelligence, under my growing teaching career, under my crumbling house, under my husbands work as I spent 4 precious non-child hours shoveling roots out of my studio so that I may work in the future I wonder....I wonder the relentless question of am I doing the right thing?  Am I really an artist or supposed to be an artist?  Is my effort of value, to whom?  What the fuck am I doing? I feel like I'm drowning.

Maybe tomorrow I can tread water, breath enough to get some perspective.  Maybe I'm actually totally safe and can touch the ground and just don't know it.  Grounded?  Maybe I can enjoy the swells of my life.  Maybe I can make art with it.

The last two weeks I rented a print studio to do some mono-printing, sort of as a starting point for the season.  I am really-really pleased with the work that came to be.  In fact a waterfall of work spewed out, gushed out....poured all over the fucking place and its awesome.

This is one of many.

May I breathe, may I see the grace.

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